Summary: Crackfick with Muzak… it’s the best of both worlds…
Pairing: Vince/Trevor… Also known as Vevor (because Trince sounds stupid)
Rating: Well… there’s swearing and implied slash. But, we all know that’s why you’re reading it anyway. So, just insert rating you want here.
Disclaimer: I don’t own, but I know the girl who does and she told me I could play with them if I put them back when I was done.

 

“You never take me anywhere.” Vince sighed and examined the ingredients listed on the side of a box of Fruity Pebbles.

“We’re at the grocery store.” Trevor, looking at the list, threw two boxes of cereal that looked like they could probably simultaneously cause diabetes, cancer, and heart disease into the trolley.

“That’s exactly my point, babycakes.” Vince rolled his eyes and threw the cereal back onto the shelf with a blatant disregard for its well-being. “If you’re going to drag me around this fluorescent hell, you could buy me something or at least have the decency to make out with me in the car.”

Trevor sighed and put Kal’s granola with the rest of the cereal.

“Vince. I am not going to make out with you in the cart. We’ve been over this. We are getting the team’s groceries and then we are going back to the house. Then, if you can stop being so ridiculous, I might be convinced to do something suitably non-republican to you later. And as for why I don’t take you out anymore, you know perfectly well why.” He crossed his arms over his chest. Vince pouted and leapt to his own defence.

“That wasn’t my fault!”

“You tried to eat a six year old! She had the police combing the mall for you. There’s perfectly good blood at home and it is not like it’s going to kill you to wait! Now, please help.” He handed half of the list to Vince who rolled his eyes yet again, but looked as though he might be convinced to give some help.

“Can I have something, too?” He pouted again and Trevor knew that he was going to give him something. Unfortunately, that meant that Vince knew it as well.

“What would be the point, doodle-bug?” Trevor immediately ducked the bag of marshmallows thrown at his head and continued, “we’ll buy it and it will sit at home for the billion decades it takes you to eat that much food, and it will rot. What a waste of time.”

“I’ll get Twinkies. They last forever and are pretty much delicious.”

“Pretty much pointless, you mean. There’s not an actual ingredient in those things. They’re all chemicals and pointless calories.” Trevor made a face as the twinkies met the same fate as the cereal and granola.

“What? Are you afraid I’ll lose my girlish figure? Besides, I eat like one a month. I just like them. Also, if you buy them for me, I will be a good little Stepford Vampire and help you find the rest of things on this ridiculously demanding list.”

“Oh yes, Vince my poor darling precious, it really is full of inordinate demands. Daniel wants milk and bread. Mandy wants—Am I reading this right? Mandy wants nine jars of marshmallow fluff and six of peanut butter. Seems terribly imbalanced.”

Vince had crossed the aisle and was putting the peanut butter in the trolley by the time Trevor had really started to consider the ramifications of giving Mandy that much sugar. Trevor decided that if that was what Mandy wanted, then it wasn’t really his place to refuse her, and started gathering the marshmallow fluff.

Approximately 40 minutes later, the couple found themselves with all of the groceries on the list and standing at the checkout line. This presented its usual set of problems for Trevor.

“I want that.”

“You’ve got to be kidding. You don’t even know what it does and it’ll break in ten minutes.”

“I still want it. We have the cash and it’s shiny. Plus, you think I’m cute and you want to make me happy.”

“Well, I’d tell you that I have other ways of doing that, but you’re actually making me feel like a total pedophile today, so I’m not going to broach the subject.” The senior citizen in front of them turned around at that, doing what Trevor was sure she thought was a surreptitious glance at them. Whatever in seven hells a woman her age was doing at a grocery store at 3:21 buying flour and bad wine was beyond him.

He found himself pondering, not for the first time, what they must look like to normal people. Vince looking young the way that he did, and dressing the way he did and Trevor looking not young at all, and both of them standing in the line at the local 24 hour grocery store at 3 AM talking about their sordid sex life in voices that weren’t exactly discreet. It was a fucking miracle that he hadn’t been arrested yet. Although he’d actually like to see them give it a shot. Oh well, he’d be damned again if he was going to let what people thought influence any aspect of his life now or in the near future.

“Look, I’ll buy you the decoder ring, but not that other thing. Okay?” He picked up one of the bags that had caught Vince’s eye and threw it to the short vampire. Vince caught it and examined the contents of the clear plastic.

“Deal.”

Trevor took the bag from him and placed it on the conveyer belt.

They paid for their groceries and managed to make it out of the store with only a handful of weird looks. Trevor chalked them up to Vince’s current ensemble and they ambled to the car with the groceries.

When they got to the car, Vince leaned against the driver’s side passenger door, letting Trevor open the trunk and start putting groceries in. Vince gave no indication that he was going to help. Instead, he put the cheap, plastic decoder ring on his right pointer finger and examined it more closely.

“I like this. I think I may keep it.”

“Well for $1.99, I should definitely think so. Do you want to help me here?”

“No.” Vince continued to play with his new prize. “You know what would be fun?”

“You helping?”

“Yeah, and then you woke up.” Vince snorted and shook his head. “No, I think we should write each other messages in code.”

“What are you, ten?! We are not doing that! See if Mandy will play with you. I’m not at junior high summer camp.”

Vince chuckled and Trevor became slightly worried.

“I hardly think that kids at camp write the sort of messages I was proposing, but maybe camp has changed in 140-odd years.” Vince winked and Trevor started to think that $1.99 was a sound investment.

“Now that sounds like something I could do. Especially when Daniel is ranting about whatever he’s probably going to be ranting about this afternoon.” Trevor put the last bag into the trunk and closed it heavily. Vince strolled slowly around to the front of the car and waited for Trevor to open it. They started down the road and Vince pulled the purple thing from the register line out of his coat pocket. Trevor resisted the urge to bang his head against the steering wheel.

“God Dammit, Vince!”

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